There’s no shortage of snide jokes, stereotypes, and less-than-flattering representations of age-gap relationships. Think Bill Belichick and his 24-year-old girlfriend; Leonardo DiCaprio’s infamous dating record that’s devolved into meme fodder; and insulting or objectifying terms like “cougar,” “boytoy,” and “cradle robber.” But what’s often overlooked—or at least, not given as much attention—are the partnerships that actually thrive and defy those tired, one-dimensional narratives.
In reality, age-gap relationships can work, Mindy DeSeta, PhD, LMHC, a Miami-based sex therapist whose husband is 18 years older than she is, tells SELF. (In fact, research has shown that women dating younger partners reported higher levels of romantic satisfaction compared to those with similar-aged ones.) Culturally, we’re starting to see that growing acceptance reflected in movies like Marty Supreme, Babygirl, The Idea of You, Family Affair, and Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy, all of which portray these “taboo” dynamics in a more positive light.
Of course, the skepticism doesn’t come from nowhere. Even between two consenting adults, age-gap relationships can raise nuanced questions about power imbalances, potential grooming, sexism, and other complex issues. Not to mention, even the healthiest of these pairs may encounter unique challenges that same-age duos typically don’t—such as elder care, contrasting maturity levels, and the logistics of having kids. That said, certain factors can help these dynamics thrive in a healthy way. We asked experts (some with their own success stories) to break down what actually makes it work.
1. Find shared interests that transcend generations.
Reaching common ground can feel tricky when you’re in completely different life stages, at different points in your careers, or simply existing in different generations. But these hurdles don’t have to be automatic dealbreakers, Susan Winter, author of Older Women, Younger Men: New Options for Love and Romance, tells SELF—especially when you’ve got shared interests (traveling abroad, love for hard rock music) that bring you closer. According to Winter, focusing on your similarities rather than differences can help your relationship grow.
2. Approach your differences with curiosity.
On that note…relationship success isn’t about having zero disparities. According to Dr. DeSeta, it’s the willingness to take genuine interest in these differences—and to compromise along the way. “Personally, I would suggest making friends in both age groups,” she advises. You could also try out each other’s hobbies every now and then, whether that’s indulging in their trashy reality shows on Sunday nights or joining them for a quiet afternoon of birdwatching (even if that’s not your usual thing).
While you don’t have to swap your usual support system for a crowd 20 years younger (or older), or suddenly embrace every trend from their generation, Dr. DeSeta says these small efforts go a long way in showing a healthy, genuine desire to connect and deepen your bond.
3. Get on the same page about your nonnegotiables as early as possible.
Some differences are bigger to overcome than others—and like in any romantic relationship, what truly matters is agreeing on the important stuff, Justin Lehmiller, PhD, senior research fellow at The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University and host of the Sex and Psychology Podcast, tells SELF.
Each person has their own set of dealbreakers, which is why it’s important to ID yours (these tips should help). “You should be getting on the same page about what you want and whether your values are compatible because sometimes people who are at these very different life stages just want very different things,” Dr. Lehmiller says. Otherwise, you risk wasting time or worse, finding yourself stuck in a situation where you’re compromising on your core values.
So start by having an honest conversation early on: Do we align when it comes to starting a family? (Maybe the younger person is looking to have kids, for instance, whereas the older one already has children…and isn’t interested in having more.) Do our career goals match? (Someone who’s climbed the corporate ladder may want their SO to travel the world with them, which may not be in the cards for a 20-something still trying to work their way up.)
4. Don’t let the minor issues fester either.
Even for smaller concerns (like how your appearance might change, say, or the possibility of mismatched sex drives), open communication is key. Without it, your worries can fester, affecting not only your mental health but also the connection you share with your partner.
Dr. DeSeta recommends expressing your thoughts openly (and respectfully) using I statements. Instead of assuming, “You’re not gonna be physically into me five years from now,” tell them, “I’m nervous about whether you’ll still be attracted to me when I’m older,” or, “I’ve been feeling a bit uneasy about the financial side of our relationship. Could we talk about this?” rather than, “You’re just using me for my money, aren’t you???”
For the record, it’s normal to have doubts and crave reassurance in any romance—and getting in the habit of voicing them openly (and empathetically) can build the emotional intimacy needed in any strong, long-lasting connection.
5. Show the haters that you’re a united front.
Age-gap relationships can feel like they’re set up to fail from the jump—in part, thanks to raised eyebrows, snarky jokes, and assumptions coming from the people closest to you. Not only are these societal judgments hurtful, but according to Dr. Lehmiller, “the cultural stigma often leads people to feel ashamed and even keep their relationship a secret, leading them to second-guess a good thing and making them more likely to break up.”
That’s why it’s a must to have each other’s backs and shut down the outside noise together. From her personal experience, Winter says it helps to set clear boundaries with shady family members or “friends” by using “we” language. (“I know you’re concerned, but our relationship is going great and we’d appreciate it if you would be happy for us too.”) It’s also important to stay grounded in the reality of your romance by focusing on the positives that others probably don’t witness. (Sure, your mother-in-law assumes it’s just a “phase,” but she isn’t there to see how you always have each other’s backs during tough times.)
Ultimately, a successful age-gap relationship is about reassuring each other—not the critics—that you’re in it for the right reasons. Because every romance has its differences, and a generational divide doesn’t have to be the one that defines (or kills) yours.
Related:
- Do Opposites Attract? Maybe—But Are They Actually Compatible?
- Why Are Straight, Middle-Aged Women So Into ‘Heated Rivalry’?
- 5 Signs You’re a ‘Serial Monogamist,’ According to Relationship Therapists
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