Throughout my life, I have been a reliable friend, a good student, a driven worker, a consistent athlete, and an adventurous person. I come from a loving home and consider myself fortunate to have the family that I do. I have always found meaning in helping others, which is what motivated me to pursue a master’s degree in counseling psychology and become a licensed mental health counselor and addiction specialist. I am a wife, mother, daughter, therapist, and author. I’m also a woman in long-term recovery from alcoholism.
As a teenager and young adult, I had a “work hard, play hard” mentality. When I drank, I would often black out and not remember what I had said or done for a portion of the night. But I just thought that this happened to anyone if they drank too much. When my drinking led me to do things I wasn’t proud of, such as saying rude things or leaving parties without my friends and causing worry, I would immediately take responsibility and apologize. I tried to moderate my drinking for four years with useless tactics like drinking my least favorite drinks, sipping water in between cocktails, or exercising before going out (thinking it might somehow slow my consumption). What I learned is that if you have to work that hard to control something, it is already out of control.
After a particularly reckless night in 2004—promising myself I would not drink more than three drinks, then proceeding to black out and wake up in an unknown location—my friends confronted me, and I decided that I never wanted to feel that way again. I finally saw that the biggest issue I had in life was my drinking. A great job, thriving relationships, and being an overall productive member of society didn’t mean that I couldn’t also be an alcoholic.
What is a high-functioning alcoholic?
The term “high-functioning alcoholic” sounds like an oxymoron, but it’s not. In simple terms, it refers to a person who’s dependent on alcohol, but still functions well in their professional and personal life. This allows for hiding in plain sight, building a fortress of external accomplishments, activity, social media imagery, family, relationships, and success that block loved ones from confronting or even noticing your drinking. In short, you appear like you have it all together, when inside, you’re battling addiction.
It’s a lot more common than you might think. A significant study categorized the 27.1 million Americans with alcohol use disorder (AUD) into subtypes. Most notable was that the functional and young adult subtypes represented roughly between 19% to 31% of all alcoholics, while the chronic severe subtype represented only 9%—yet the latter has become the stereotype.
Given my personal and professional connection to this topic, I felt called to write the book Understanding the High-Functioning Alcoholic (published in 2009), which includes interviews with addiction professionals, individuals in recovery, research, and personal journal entries at the end of each chapter. My research revealed that each subtype has the same symptoms: craving for more alcohol set off by the first drink, mental obsession, loss of morals or values, repeating the cycle willingly and unwillingly, and being unable to imagine a life without alcohol. The high-functioning among us just do a really great job at hiding all of that.
The drinking rules
In order to maintain order in their lives, there are “rules” high-functioning alcoholics live by. Following these rules gives the false security that even if you are a heavy drinker, you are certainly not the A word.
My personal rules, which my interviews revealed are common among high-functioning alcoholics, included never drinking before I had a test or important event the following day, always showing up to commitments, apologizing for any inappropriate drunk behaviors promptly, maintaining good grades or a reputable job, never drinking daily, not drinking in the morning, maintaining an exercise routine, never drinking alone, eating a healthy diet, drinking in a celebratory setting, and living in an organized environment.
These rules allowed me to compartmentalize and prevent my drinking from encroaching on my professional or academic world. I could hide the emotional, physical, and spiritual impacts of my alcohol use, though they existed beneath the surface.
Barriers to getting support
According to the CDC, about 178,000 people die annually from alcohol-related causes. Specialized support such as therapy, treatment programs, self-help meetings, recovery coaching, and/or medication-assisted treatment are essential ways for people with alcohol use disorder to get sober and not become another statistic.
High-functioning alcoholics, in particular, often do not get the help that they need because they and those around them may believe that they are too bright, too accomplished, too busy, too distinguished, and too important to have an addiction. However, success and addiction are not mutually exclusive. The associated stigmas that come alongside having an addiction and needing help are both deterrents for acknowledging the problem and seeking support.
Recovery as a superpower
Many people perceive asking for help as a weakness, but anyone who is in recovery knows that it is actually the ultimate strength.
I can personally and professionally attest to the fact that those in recovery (over 23 million Americans) are some of the most creative, brilliant, driven, and dynamic people I have ever met. Research has found that individuals with substance use disorders possess unique qualities that positively impact society once they enter recovery. Common traits include tenacity, resilience, empathy, authenticity, self-awareness, creativity, social intelligence, and determination.
Bottom line: When a high-functioning alcoholic transfers their drive from addictive behaviors to healthy endeavors, they are often able to surpass their previous levels of success.
What to do if you’re ready to make a change
The sober curious and wellness movements have increased the number of people choosing not to drink. Mocktails are trending, and drinking no longer has the same allure it once did. It’s become easier and more acceptable to stop drinking and still maintain a social life. If you are ready to re-examine your relationship with alcohol and make a change, here are several things that can help you start.
First, one quick note: Abruptly quitting drinking can potentially lead to life-threatening withdrawal. Make an appointment with a doctor to assess withdrawal potential beforehand and help you come up with an approach to stop drinking safely.
- Tell someone you trust that you are questioning your relationship with alcohol and what you are concerned about.
- Get honest about your drinking. Write down your thoughts so that you can reflect back on them if you begin to question yourself.
- Ask yourself: Would your life be better without alcohol? What is preventing you from making a change?
- Take even one action a day that leads you towards sobriety or wellness—for example, go for a walk after work instead of drinking, or dedicate an hour in the morning to researching possible support groups.
- Change your reward system from drinking to other pleasures, like watching your favorite show, enjoying a special dessert, or going to lunch with your best friend or partner.
- Make an appointment with an addiction specialist therapist (in person or virtually).
- Research self-help programs that are now both in person and online (i.e., 12-Step Programs, SMART Recovery, SHE RECOVERS, Dharma Recovery, Lifering, Move to Heal, Celebrate Recovery).
- Know that you are not alone and there are millions of people eager to support you in this new era.
If you are questioning if you have a problem with alcohol or simply want to improve your overall wellness, know that every small step counts. True success comes when your internal and external experiences align.
*Quotes excerpted from: Benton, Sarah Allen. Understanding the High-Functioning Alcoholic: Professional Views and Personal Insights. Westport, CT: Praeger, 2009.
Related:
- I Saw My Nightly Glass of Wine as ‘Self-Care.’ In Reality, I Had a Drinking Problem
- You Don’t Need ‘Liquid Courage’ to Have Good Sex
- The Research on Alcohol Has Changed. Here’s Where We Stand Today
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