Let me be frank: I adore my family. I love the holidays and look forward to baking cookies, watching cheesy movies, and opening gifts with my relatives, but even I get a little (okay, very) on edge after a few days together. Being cooped up inside with your people—even if you get along and especially if dynamics are fraught—can be downright depleting.
Systems—whether that be your team at work or the family you grew up with—love to function the way they always have, Kate Cummins, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist based in California, tells SELF. By default, they pull you to go back to who you were or how you behaved back in the day. “This can feel exhausting because you’re forced to act in a way that no longer exists anymore in your current life,” Dr. Cummins says. Plus, there’s a whole host of other reasons a trip home can be physically and mentally taxing: Your sleep schedule may be out of whack, you could be drinking more alcohol than usual (just me?), or attending a few too many holiday parties.
If you just hung out with your relatives and are now feeling like a shell of your former self, we have news for you: This is a very normal human reaction. And thankfully, there are things you can do to manage the overwhelm. Here, two psychologists share their best tips for recovering after a long (and draining) weekend with the fam.
Give yourself a little downtime after the visit, if you can.
In her practice, Janelle S. Peifer, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist and assistant professor at the University of Richmond has noticed that after a trip or long weekend with family, people tend to return home and hit the ground running. They dive right back into demanding work projects or book that 6 a.m. workout class. Some folks wind up overcompensating in an effort to make up for the PTO they took, she explains, grinding even harder than they usually do.
However, this is the last thing you want to do if you’re feeling zapped. We often take for granted how emotionally and physically demanding socializing and traveling can be, and processing the complex emotions involved in a family visit takes a lot out of us too, Dr. Peifer says. That’s why it’s important to pace yourself when you’re back in your own space—especially if you have a difficult or strained relationship with your family, she adds.
Rather than immediately getting back into high-intensity workouts, filling up your social calendar, or pushing yourself to the limit at work, for example, Dr. Peifer recommends prioritizing restorative activities, if and when you can. That might look like giving mindfulness exercises a shot, practicing some gentle stretching, or, my personal preference, camping out on the couch (or bed) and letting yourself stream show after show for a night or two.
If you have to work when you return home, she also suggests leaving the visit a day early (or taking a day off) if possible—that way, you’ll have some downtime before you have to get back to business. Basically, the goal is to “give your body and mind some space to process and restore,” she says.
Whip out a journal and let yourself reflect.
If the very last thing you want to do after being around your family is devote any time whatsoever to thinking about your family, then perhaps this tip isn’t for you. But if you can stomach it, Dr. Cummins recommends setting aside 10 minutes or so to make sense of your visit.
Here’s how she suggests going about it: First, jot down the name of someone who brought up some powerful emotions for you. Then, list that person’s strengths as a person, the behaviors that irked you, what specifically about their actions were bothersome for you, and one thing you’d like to change or do next time you’re around them to reduce the odds they set you off. “This helps separate the person from the action or thing they’ve done, and helps you feel empowered for change and control the next time you spend time with them,” Dr. Cummings says.
It’ll also get you thinking about the boundaries you’d like to enact in the future. You don’t necessarily need to cut relatives off or keep them at an arm’s distance 24/7—but you can brainstorm new ways to “love yourself and the other person in a healthy and sustainable way,” Dr. Peifer says. Maybe you stay in a hotel instead of the spare room at your brother’s place, for example, or plan a response for when your mom says something super triggering (as moms do!). Or maybe you simply fake a few naps next visit home. “All of these changes and boundaries provide self-empowerment, and a little more freedom away from the family issue at hand,” says Dr. Cummings.
Side note: Tossing up boundaries can take some experimentation and may be met with pushback from your family. If you consistently feel stressed out around your fam, it can be tremendously helpful to talk to a therapist who can help you come up with a game plan and navigate these tricky situations, says Dr. Peifer.
Treat yourself.
Self-care is a buzzy term, and it can be confusing to know what it even entails, but if there’s a time to spoil yourself? It’s after a mind-bending trip with your relatives, says Dr. Cummings. So squeeze in some activities that will genuinely bring you joy, whether that’s a hot yoga class, a long bath, a new book, a puzzle, or an arts and crafts project.
A quick tip from Dr. Cummings: Many of us fall into the trap of framing self-care as a luxury when, in truth, it’s a necessity. As a result, you may feel guilty or selfish when you do something for yourself. Make a point to prioritize yourself when you’re back home—doing so can restore your sense of autonomy and self-respect, says Dr. Cummings, all while lifting your mood and distracting you from the chaos that just went down.
Start reestablishing your routines.
Holiday weekends tend to throw off the routines you’re accustomed to, Dr. Peifer says. When you’re hosting your in-laws or spending time with your grandparents, for example, you likely aren’t sticking to your typical sleep-wake schedule or doing the daily activities (like making your go-to weekday breakfast or going for your morning run) that usually keep you in balance. When this rhythm is thrown off, your mood and energy levels can tank, she explains.
Once you’ve (hopefully) been able to rest a little, Dr. Peifer recommends trying, bit by bit, to get back into your routines. Start with the basics: Eat your regular diet, stick to your normal bedtime, throw on that podcast you listen to every week. This will add structure to your day, she says, which can help you feel calmer and more in control again. Next, you can add in secondary behaviors, like your typical social activities, exercise schedule, or work or study habits, she adds.
Established routines don’t require much effort, thought, or decision-making, which is why they ultimately help preserve—and restore—your energy, according to Dr. Peifer. In short, they make day-to-day tasks less exhausting, which can be incredibly helpful when you’re already feeling run down from family jet lag.
Listen, going home for a long weekend may never be a walk in the park, but the sooner you throw up some boundaries and pencil in a bit of self-care, the quicker you’ll be able to bounce back and move on—until the next get-together, at least.
Related:
- How to Make the Most of Your Time Off, Even If Your Family Is Exhausting
- 3 Things to Do If You Were a Brat to Your Mom
- 8 Tips for Talking to a Reluctant Family Member About Therapy
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