How to Be a Really Good Kisser

These nine tricks will take your makeout sessions from basic to unforgettable.

January 27, 2026

Knowing how to be a good kisser doesn’t come down to a straightforward set of rules, even if you’ve got years of experience under your belt. One person’s meltingly romantic makeout might be another’s cringiest slobber-fest—or you might find that the person you’re Frenching shows you a brand-new twist to it that makes you absolutely melt.

“Kissing is weird,” Chamin Ajjan, LCSW, a Brooklyn-based cognitive behavioral therapist, AASECT-certified sex therapist, and the author of Seeking Soulmate: Ditch The Dating Game and Find Real Connection, tells SELF. “There’s no clear explanation of how or why we started sticking our mouths together, and why that’s desirable.”

Mysterious as it may be, there’s something about locking lips that just feels really, really good—and especially when you relax about how to be a good kisser, according to Ajjan. “Often, we’re thinking, ‘Am I doing this right? Are they enjoying it? Does my breath stink?’” she says. (Or if you’re in a long-term relationship, your mind might drift to whether or not you forgot to switch the whites into the dryer mid-makeout.)

But being a good kisser isn’t just about momentary fun. According to a study of 1,605 people in relationships of at least two years, how satisfied you are with your partnership (both sexually and in general) might be qualified not only by how much you love the other person, but how often you’re smooching them.

With that in mind, we asked Ajjan—as well as everyday people who bravely volunteered their wisdom—for pointers on how to level up your kissing game like someone who actually knows what they’re doing. Here’s what they said.

1. Make sure your partner is into it.

Getting consent for a first kiss might seem like a mood-killer, but it can actually make them want to kiss you even more. Kim, 37, from Illinois, tells SELF that she’s very into asking people if they want to make out. If they say yes and it feels right as you go, you can even ask how they want to be kissed, she says. The key here: “Show them you listened to their answer.” Listening is a surefire way to be a better kisser.

Norma, 60, from Canada, says her best-ever kiss was when she was 15 years old, and telling someone yes was part of what made it so memorable. “My date looked me in the eyes and said, ‘Would it be okay if I kissed you?’ I had never been asked by anyone before,” Norma tells SELF. “With my permission, he leaned in and gave me a gentle but firm kiss. I still think of him in the most special way.”

2. Tune into how the moment looks, feels, tastes, smells, and sounds.

Even in the middle of a steamy makeout session, it’s easy for everyday demands to compete for your attention, which makes it difficult to stay present. Jillian, a 31-year-old mother in California, tells SELF she gets easily distracted when she’s with her partner. “Especially when our toddler—and sometimes her noisy toys—are in the room.”

For Elizabeth, 53, from Texas, late-night and early-morning ruminations about her job can interfere with her ability to connect with her partner. “Worrying about potential disasters at work is probably the worst enemy of in-the-moment kissing,” she tells SELF.

To stop your mind from wandering to other stress-inducing (and un-sexy) parts of your day, Ajjan recommends paying attention to what you can feel, hear, see, smell, and taste—a grounding mindfulness technique that can get out of your head and into what’s happening in the moment.

3. Let your lips linger.

The little forehead kiss you want at lunchtime is probably wildly different from the passionate lip-lock you may crave after hours. But even if all you’re planning is a quick peck, Ajjan says one of the most underrated tips for making a good kiss into a great one is elongating it. “The six-second kiss, as described by marriage and relationship expert John Gottman, PhD, is actually a pretty long kiss,” she says. But when you take the time to do it, “it’s an opportunity to really tune into and sync with each other, which can help you feel more connected.”

According to Ajjan, slowing down also allows real intimacy to build up between you and your partner. Erin, 38, from Washington, agrees that something like the six-second trick is her go-to when her girlfriend is stressed. “When she gets into a mode of trying to get a bunch of stuff done, that’s when I try to ground her with a longer kiss.”

4. Don’t jam your tongue in someone’s mouth right away.

French kissing is, of course, one of life’s greatest activities. But generally speaking, most people don’t want a tongue jammed down their throat without any warning (or…sometimes ever), which is why you should start slowly and sensually. (That is, unless you’ve both made it clear that you’re into more intense action right off the bat). Start with the tip of your tongue and go gradually from there. According to Ajjan, taking your time can help you gauge what works with a new kissing partner—and also just be a hot form of foreplay.

To give yourself the best odds of hitting just the right amount of tongue, Erin also suggests following the other person’s lead (as long as it feels good to you). “Note how far they’re putting their tongue in your mouth, and match it,” she says. Then you can experiment with a little more, and see how they respond.

5. If you’re into sloppy kisses, practice some restraint.

Big, wet approaches to locking lips can feel very intimate for some people, but it’s best to build your way up slowly. “I hate sloppy kisses—hate them,” April, 32, from the British Virgin Islands, tells SELF. “I love gentle, full smooches with lips and a slight caress of our tongues.”

Of course, what feels “sloppy,” or “slobbery” is subjective, and you won’t know how to find that happy medium unless you ask. Even something as simple as, “Is this okay?” or, “Do you like that?” does the trick, Annie, 30, from California, tells SELF

6. Pay attention to other body parts and erogenous zones.

What you do with your hands often dictates how passionate a kiss can be. Bailey, 33, from Texas, thinks hand placement is about balance, as is the kind of touch a person uses. “I don’t want someone to be too grabby and rough, or too soft and timid,” she tells SELF, noting that she’s turned off by both. Jillian, on the other hand, says more is more. “Running his hand down my back? Holding the back of my head? Even a nice butt grab? All about it. Hands are half of kissing.”

To ensure you get your hands on the action you’re looking for, don’t be shy about asking for what you want, Ajjan says—whether it’s tracing a part of your earlobe with your tongue or kissing the side of your neck. According to Amy, 47, from California, these nonmouth kisses can electrify any ordinary makeout session. “I just think kisses that land somewhere other than the lips are largely underrated,” she says.

7. If you’re going to bite, be gentle.

Some people think the best kisses are ones that come with a little bite. If that sounds like you, Ajjan recommends pacing yourself and watching for physical cues and body language about whether your partner likes it. “You don’t want to go from zero to 60 and risk hurting someone,” she says. “Tune into the other person, and then play around with biting, just not hard.”

If you want to give it a try, gently nibble on your partner’s lower lip while you’re kissing. Amanda, 43, from Illinois, tells SELF that she will usually “lightly lick his lips and gently bite and pull on them.” And, as Erin says, “Soft biting is animalistic. It says ‘I’m ready to take this a step further.’” Still, not everyone is into this, which is why it’s important to pay attention to your partner’s responses before and throughout. “I have way too many memories of recoiling from that bizarre encounter where someone thought biting was exciting,” LaVonne, 59, from Massachusetts, tells SELF.

8. Keep your lips soft and your breath fresh.

No matter how top-notch your Frenching technique is, dry, cracked lips can make the experience uncomfortable for both partners. Try gently exfoliating with a wet washcloth or a sugary lip scrub, and then apply a thick layer of moisturizing balm right before bed. Or just carry a lip balm around! (That said, if you’re experiencing a medical issue, like a cold sore, see a primary care doctor or a dermatologist for proper treatment.)

Another piece of (perhaps obvious) advice: Avoid foods that might give you bad breath right before a kiss—like garlic, coffee, and seafood—but know that certain tastes can work to your advantage too. For example. Carrie, 28, from North Carolina, says the first time her boyfriend said he loved her, they were brushing their teeth. “It was perfect. I told him I loved him too, and then we had the best kiss ever, all pepperminty and sweet,” she tells SELF. “And then we kept brushing our teeth.”

9. Tell your partner what feels good, not what’s ‘wrong.’

You can be a terrible kisser according to one person, and a lip-locking genius to another. That’s why you need to be open to communicating your own desires, as well as listening to theirs.

Of course, telling someone you don’t like how they kiss can be hard. Suzanne, 57, from California, says she was so concerned about hurting her ex-partner’s feelings that she didn’t say anything about the fact that their kissing styles were, let’s say…less than aligned. “I thought if I told him, it might send him reeling, wondering why no one before me hadn’t told him.”

Rest assured, though: Sharing your feedback probably won’t cause permanent damage to someone’s self-esteem, Ajjan says—as long as you’re thoughtful about how you get your message across. Rather than focusing on your turn-offs and saying something like, “I didn’t like when you did X,” try encouraging them to do more of what you did like. Erin leans into positive feedback too: “Saying, ‘I really liked when you did XYZ,’ or, ‘How do you do that?’ can work.”

If this approach still sounds awkward or unrealistic, you can lead by example instead, telling them you’d like to show them the kind of kiss that makes you weak in the knees. “Playfully display what you like in a kiss, as well as where and how you enjoy it most,” Devoreaux, 28, from Texas, tells SELF. Then, encourage your partner to tell (or show) you their preferences. “Kissing is better once you’ve learned what the other person likes,” Scarlett, 26, from Colorado, tells SELF.

Even if you follow all of these tips or have the strongest chemistry, the reality is that not every smooch will feel magical. “But just because you’ve had bad kissing experiences, that doesn’t mean that you’re a bad kisser,” Ajjan says. Ultimately, what makes someone “good” goes beyond just technique and experience: It’s also about paying attention to your partner, experimenting with what works, and maybe carrying around a handy stash of mints.